Identity Theft

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Identity thieves...

The scum of the earth. They just come in and assume you. They tap into your resources and get all the benefits of who you are. They are spineless, sneaky and extremely smart. They are manipulative and VERY charismatic.

I live with an identity thief...

He is two feet tall. He has big blue eyes and silky soft skin. He wears diapers and thinks world news and current affairs are morning episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He is manipulative, extremely smart and very charismatic.

My identity has been stolen... By SJ...

It's not that I can't look at myself in the mirror... I just don't recognize the person looking back at me? I feel as though I have lost my place in this world. Of course I'm a mom... But what kind of mom am I? What category do I fit into?

There is "The Working Mom" - These women inspire me. I have so much respect for women that work full time AND raise families. It's like an 80 hour work week!! They go to board meetings and save lives in the ER. They get to wear fancy out-fits, cute shoes and have working lunches at Tin Roof. This is defiantly not me. I mean I work... but I wear black stretchy pants and go to yoga classes. This is not classified as manual labor.

There is "The Yummy Mommy" - The Moms that are flawless. The ones who's bodies just bounced back from pregnancy like a tennis match between Serena and Venus. The ones who are on fancy diets, whole foods and smoothies. They are well rested and snack on things like trail mix and cucumber slices. This is also not me... I ate four and a half of Kelsey's muffins yesterday. It would have been 4, but SJ didn't want to finish his...

This is how I live... I will never give up wine... or brownies...

There is "The Natural" - These are my favorite. Those moms who are just completely content with being a mom. They love pregnancy, they love babies, they love comfortable clothes and a good book. They breast feed for 18 months. They love using crock pots, crafting and episodes of the bachelor. They oooozzz confidence and don't care about make-up or fake eyelashes. They are comfortable and content. They don't get stir crazy at home and know how to truly relax. This is not me either. In case you haven't caught on... I blog because my mind goes a mile a minute and out of pure insecurity I need to feel I did something big with my day.

So who am I? Where do I fit in? What does SJ's mom do? And why do I have these days where I feel as though I'm not a real person, but a vehicle for my family?

Why do I feel as though my identity has been stolen by a 9 month old? 

I think it's simple... I think there are many of us moms out there that are a little bit of everything. I think you can be every kind of mom. I think we can work, play, live, love and be loved. It's about accepting that we are no longer number one, but we are number one in our children's eyes. Our kids don't have to be our identity, but how lucky are we that they are a part of it. It's about finding balance and figuring out who we are in a whole new light. Every day we discover something new about our children, our marriages and most of all... ourselves.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me

Home is where the heart is...

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Letting go... It s an incredible concept. It can mean so many things to so many different people. You always know that becoming a parent is going to change your life, but you never really comprehend how much, until you are 6 feet deep in quicksand. The more you struggle to get out... the more you sink. You are better off to just succumb and accept. The less you fight your forever changed life... the easier parenting is.

 It was a new kind of Christmas and new kind of New Years. We decided to stay in with a bunch of our close friends, some board games, some babies, some beers and our private dancer...

 Magic Mike....

 We had great attempts in 2012 to hold onto our pre baby selves....
I think its about embracing it and just letting go....

Holiday traveling is like working out with a personal trainer... The outcome is totally worth it, but the entire time you just want to punch someone in the face. Though the trek to Canada was TOTALLY worth it... We may not be going home for Christmas again till SJ has his drivers license.

Everyone knows traveling with Children is about as much fun as getting waxed... Painful is actually a better way to describe it. Extra luggage, extra layers, missed naps, sippy cups and filthy pacifiers. Who has the energy to wipe them off every time they hit the ground? 

I'm not a big person... I am 5"3 and weigh 118lbs.  You would never know it... You see...

I carry myself at about 6ft 220lbs. I am also a Scorpio... which only adds to my fiery little temper. We Scorpios say what's on our mind and on our flight home to Canada Christmas morning, my fuse was about as long as a toothpick. 

SJ did pretty awesome on both flights... But there is always that asshole that hates children... 

There was a nice family in front of us heading up to Whistler, so they had quite a bit of extra luggage and snowboarding gear. They needed an extra minute to pull down their overhead luggage and gather their kids while everyone was packing up to leave the plane. A grumpy old man was trying to push through, so he could get off the plane first.  He was literally pushing himself through people and this poor mother trying to organize her family. The woman was to polite to ask him to step back.

I'm not... So I did... 

"Excuse me sir"... (hey f*cker)... "Do you know how hard it is to travel with children?"... (Obviously not, you are a miserable troll)... "Can you please step back, she is trying to gather her luggage and her family"... (Back the F off of her before I take my sons regurgitated burp cloth and smother your face with it)... "It is really hard to travel with kids and you are not going to get off the plane any faster than the rest of us"... 

The woman kindly thanked me for addressing Eboneiser Scrooge and the dude behind me gave me a low five as we were getting off the plane. It is moments like this, I am proud to be a 6 foot 220 pound Scorpio. I have the courage to stand up for people when others will not.

There have been many moments over the last three weeks that I have realized our cocktail hours and jet setting days are numbered...

 Every time Scot would come visit me in Vancouver we would always go for a romantical walk and a glass of wine at our favorite spot... Granville Island. It's is a beautiful waterfront market, full of art galleries, music venues, coffee shops, fresh seafood and great Canadian Culture. Sandbar is our favorite restaurant and it has a beautiful lounge with a fireplace and couch looking over the Vancouver skyline.

We decided to go share a glass of wine together with the baby. 

What a terrible idea.

As we headed toward the lounge to seat ourselves, the prepubescent hostess came walking over. "Excuse me... But you can't sit here with a baby. You can sit anywhere on the left side of the restaurant. We are happy to accommodate children in the dinning area... Will you be needing crayons?".

I'm not sure what bothered me more... The fact that we were being kicked out of the lounge or the fact that the hostess was dumb enough to offer crayons to our 8 month old baby, like he is going to know what to do with them.

Crayons? How about I take those crayons and shove them up your.... 

"No problem"... Scot says to the hostess. 

"Baby... just let it go..." Scot says to me.

So I did. We sat down at a little two top and ordered a couple glasses of wine. SJ had been super calm all day so we figured we were in the clear. Not so much. He wasn't having it. He started screaming. Not the unhappy scream... The I found my voice scream. The phase where everything that comes out is a loud scream. The express yourself scream and man was he expressing himself. EVERYONE was staring at us trying to contain our hopped up child. We were THAT couple.... I realize in this moment it's officially over, and the next time we go out for dinner, the venue is most likely going to have a ball pit.

Having not touched our wine, we decided to give up and take SJ home. I walked up to the two women behind us enjoying a lovely sophisticated lunch, and asked them if they would like our two glasses of wine. They were untouched and we didn't want them to go to waste. They happily took our offer and as I was reaching over to hand them the wine, SJ puked all over me and my brand new cashmere sweater dress that I got for Christmas. 

There I was... Holding a baby in a bar... Giving away my wine... Wearing cashmere... drenched in throw up... 

A pivotal life moment... The fork in the road that leads to proud parent bumper stickers and mini vans.

The Scots were both getting a kick out of this... Particularly SJ... He thought it was very funny that mommy was wearing his lunch.

I did not... 

Until Scot grabbed my hand as we were walking to the car and says to me...

"So life has changed... It has gotten a little more difficult and a little less romantic... But baby no matter how hard it gets... We are a family now and there is now where else I would rather be than with our baby and you... covered in his barf." 

I smiled. 

Pretty sure that is as romantic as it gets.

2013 is definitely a new year. No fancy New Years plans... No jet setting or cocktailing... No sexy clothes or high heel shoes. No big trips or travel plans... But who needs to leave home when everything you need is through your front door?

Home is where my heart is... and it took me a lot of soul searching, inner peace, 

confidence and acceptance, to realize it.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me

Check Yourself...

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Every few months we all need to do a little self check. It's almost like Spring cleaning for your mental health. What am I doing with my life? Am I making a difference? Is this it? Should I be doing more? Should I have a better job? Should I be making more money? What is everyone else doing with their lives? I usually write the funny stuff... Lets get serious JUST for today...

You find yourself selling out and straying from what is important to you. You go on facebook a little to often and next thing you know you are social surfing for shit you don't even care about. We get wrapped up in who is posting what pictures of what vacations... who had the most extravagant wedding or children's birthday party. We "check-in" at bars and restaurants that no one REALLY cares about... so why do we do it? We are ALL guilty. I went off Facebook for four months, a couple years ago. It was one of the most liberating things I have ever done... yet... I'm still here...

People... How did we get here? How did our after work routine become... What did everyone else do today? How about what the F did I do to change the world today?????

I am watching a documentary series right now called "Witness"... It's an HBO series that follows photo journalists through four of the most hostile countries in the world. If you have not watched it... please do. It was the perfect annual shock to my system and I was due for some mental cleansing. How the hell can I write about health tips, nap time, make-up and breast implants when Kony is STILL on a murderous rampage across African jungles? I'm not going to give the whole starving children in Africa speech... but imagine if we used our time wasted on social media, educating ourselves on what is REALLY happening on the other side of the planet. My favorite episode is about a french, pregnant, photo journalist, that travels through the jungle of South Sudan, with the Soldiers trying to track Joseph Kony. PREGNANT!! She wanted to share her story with the world... She felt, that there are pregnant women all over the world, that are dealing with far tougher things than weight gain and insomnia. 

Sure puts Pinterest "Nursery Ideas" into a whole new perspective...

http://www.hbo.com/#/documentaries

Scot and I try to do our part. Our restaurant sponsors a ton of local sports teams and we host fundraisers, for children fighting terminal illness in our community. We make monthly donations to human rights groups, we volunteer for Kiwanis Kids and I am an Ambassador for the Dove "Campaign For Real Beauty". I host self-esteem workshops for middle school girls. We talk about the pressure on women in the world to be both thin and beautiful, and things we can do to over come that. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6JvK0W60I

Scot and I watch Fox News together every morning to stay up on current events and what I believe to be our biggest strength as couple... We would give the skin off our backs, to the people in our lives that we really care about. We always try to do the "right" thing and yet somedays we both still feel like we could do more.

So what am I doing with MY life? This whole mommy blogging thing... How is it giving back to the world around me? What is the point? How is this helping others? Am I wasting my time?

I have three friends that have suffered from SEVERE post part-um depression. I have multiple friends that had Colicky babies. I get countless emails from women thanking me for my honesty, and that for the first time ever, they don't feel alone in the challenges of raising children. I have had women I don't even know stop me in the grocery store and tell me that my stories help them find humor in their own. I have friends that can finally speak openly about eating disorders, yo yo diets and battles of self image. I  have some hero's in my life that have survived divorce, colic, miscarriages, rape, and a stroke... 

My friend Little Lisa survived a stroke during the labor and delivery of her son Preston. She is a hero to many of us...

THIS is why I blog... We all have incredible stories that make us exactly who we are supposed to be today.

I write from my heart... The most HONEST place I can. I hope that if I am open, it will encourage other people to be. I hope my imperfections and insecurities will allow people in my life to find peace in their own. Being open and vulnerable is one of the hardest things in the world for me... But then... I think about what we could accomplish if we ditched the hate, the fear, the insecurity and the anger...

Maybe then... all of us women could find the courage to step into South Sudan 5 Months Pregnant... 

You see... If we all had a healthy amount of confidence, courage and a clear head space... Only then as a world can we go on to fight terrorist's and dictators... Only then can we feed hunger and end war... Only then can we end hate crimes, celebrate all of the fabulous gays in our lives and let them get married already!!! Sheeesh America!!!

I will always try to make this world a better place... But for now... I will continue to share my stories and bring as much joy as I can to the world around me.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me.

Victoria's Secret

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Raisins. They are natures candy. Except no one really likes natures candy. Its that treat on Halloween that kids put in the "to toss" pile. Raisins were once beautiful, full and supple grapes, that are then dried out, into a disappointing snack.

This is what my boobs have become... A disappointing, shriveled up snack.

I always knew that my pretty boobs would not stay that way forever, but no one told me that after breast feeding my boobs would actually get smaller than before!?!?!? I was never super hung up on boobs. I never really cared that my boobs were small and always loved being able to wear the cute tops with little coverage and support. I always found bikinis that fit and if I needed to fill any boobie voids, there was always Victoria and her little padded secrets.

When I got pregnant I was one of the lucky ones that got big beautiful boobs. It was awesome and then after I had the baby, they got even bigger! I loved it!! I finally got what all the hype was about and actually liked my body better after having a baby. I felt like a woman and was perfectly proportioned.

I stopped breast feeding about a month ago. I woke up one day and just like that, I dried up for no reason at all. It was Kewl for a couple weeks and then all of the sudden... My boobies started to shrink!?!?!?!?!? My once beautiful B-Cups, that went up to D-Cups, are now a Negative-A Cup. Flap Jacks. Or more like silver dollar pancakes. Like the little frozen ones you can microwave from Trader Joe's.

For my birthday I asked everyone for Victoria Secret Gift Cards. I was hoping that Victoria might have some secrets for me. Though... I doubt that this fancy bombshell bra is going to do anything for these Sun Maids.

Victoria... why is it called the bombshell? The only bomb that is dropped with this bra, is the one that drops when you take the bra off! What a disappointment! It's trickery. Some dude thinks he is going home with a pair of C's only to find out that being an A+ is not always a good thing.

My boobies are not all that has changed since my little hormonal shift. My hair started falling out... In clumps!! It looks like Harry and The Henderson's have been using our shower. I texted my hair dresser freaking out. My hair was already pretty thin... Now... It's as though SJ could rock a thicker pony tail than me. I always wondered why moms cut off all their hair... I booked in with Aileen next week to go lesbo and cut off a bunch of mine. If I keep it long I'm gonna end up looking like the Crypt Keeper. I can see it now... The scariest episode of "Tales From The Crypt" ever... featuring my bald head and hideous boobs.

MOM! Put those things AWAY!!!

I asked Scot if breast implants were in the cards for us after kids... He gave me that look... You all know the one I'm talking about... Not mad... Just disappointed. The same look my dad gave me when he busted me drunk for the first time.

"Baby your perfect just the way you are" Scot says...

It's Kewl ladies... I think I'm awesome enough to rock my little silver dollar pancakes... And if I am having a rough day there is always Victoria and her dirty little secrets.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me.

A Hungry Hair Day

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Have you ever been so hungry, you have eaten your child's snacks? I'm not talking about apple slices and granola bars. I'm not even talking about gold fish. I hit an all time low this week ladies... I was so hungry I ate my babies Earth's Best First Bananas right out of the jar in the parking lot at Target. Don't judge me bitches. I am still breast feeding. I get so hungry sometimes I make Professor Clump look like an anorexic. Besides, Earth's Best bananas are good... and I would do it again. 

Time is not on my side these days. I started working again part time. I am behind on Blogging... Exercise... Housework... Pinterest... Ect. We have weddings and engagement parties every weekend in September... I have two triathlons that I haven't really trained for and my awesome babysitter has gone back to college. Shit. Proper meals are a thing of the past for me. I am lucky if I eat using utensils. Meals for a new mom are grab and go. Hence why they make squeezable fruit purée. Baby food is a handy snack, and Trader Joes frozen entrees are new moms best friend! 

I booked myself in to get my hair done. For most women this isn't that exciting. For a new mom... this is grounds to toast champagne! I have no child for two hours. I am wearing heels bitches!!! Heels AND accessories!!! The girls at Salon Barberet all look like high fashion models so it's imperative I'm not wearing clothes that are safe to sweat in. So... I'm off. So... I think. Scot is late and the baby is fussy, so I don't have time to have lunch before I leave.

I hit the road already 15 minutes late. I don't even have time for drive through. Another all time low. I did my grocery shopping at a gas station. I run in and fly around the store looking for the healthiest items with "Best Before Feb 2019"... Scary. Trying to stay away from Doritos and Muffins, I opt for Turkey Jerky and Fig Newtons. This was the healthiest thing I could find next to Earth's Best Bananas. I grabbed a couple of each, (reserve snacks for the glove box), 4 big bottles of water and a package of gum. As I am walking up to pay, I realize my leopard print romper, gold accessories and Seychelles wedges might be a bit much for 1pm on a Thursday.  I don't care... until the woman at the till kindly asks me... "Are you on your way to Vegas?".

How do you explain to a stranger your reasoning behind buying a pound of jerkey, fig newtons and enough water reserves for a safe house... you don't. 

"Why yes, yes I am on my way to Vegas"....

 What!?!?! I can't tell the bitch this is how I dress for a hair cut. Besides, I like the sounds of Vegas. Maybe when Aileen is done with my hair I WILL drive myself to the Cosmopolitan for a couple days. I will leave Scot alone with the baby. Don't I deserve it? I will change my name to Kimberlyn Nicolee, cash in my 401-K up in Canada, buy a pack of cigs and I will be 21 years old all over again. Sigh... Oh how I would love to drive to Vegas. But we all know how that story ends. Blisters... A bottle of Advil... A buffet at 4am and the one mistake everyone makes in Vegas... Why didn't I just stay one night instead of two. Rookie move for sure.

I always think about my exciting past life, but then I remember it rarely had a happy ending. You see, when you are lucky enough to have an amazing husband, beautiful healthy baby and a loving home, you are a princess with a fairytale ending everyday. And hey... If you need a little pick me up, some me time and all five food groups, hit Cheveron on your way to Salon Barberet in Redondo Beach. It gave me a normality fix... for now.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me

Ground Hog Day

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Ground Hog Day... By far the most terrible movie ever made. The same day over and over and over and over. Bill Murray hit an all time low with this one. Of course no one tells you, this movie is the perfect lead in to raising an infant. The same god dam day over and over and over. I'm still waiting for the first day of Spring and that f'ing Ground Hog to tell me my baby is FINALLY sleep trained.

Get up. Get the baby. Change the baby. Feed the baby. Burp the baby. Coffee (EXTRA strong and EXTRA sugar). Now that I no longer drink Martini's or attend Happy Hours in high heels, coffee is the only thing I have to look forward to... Tummy time, Solids, First Nap, half of a shower and maybe conditioner, pony tail (or really a wet knot on the top of your head), dishes, facebook stalk, baby wakes up.... and so on and so on.

Moms also don't tell you, that you have to completely give up your life to sleep train your kid into a solid routine. Pedicures are no longer in fancy massage chairs with your girlfriends... They are now done at home... manually... with crappy Revlon Color Stay polish. OPI polish is far to expensive when you have to buy Pampers and Similac. OPI doesn't carry the shade "Baby Shit Brown" anyway. Getting to the gym for yoga and spin classes? Ha! Set that stationary up bitches! Cause the only cardio you're getting, is happening during that second nap... And put in those ear phones! Cause if you are teaching them to self sooth and cry it out, the only way, is to pretend like it's not happening.

There are days where my husband gets home and I am still wearing the same shorts and tank top that I not only slept in, but worked out in as well. "Baby, have you not showered yet?" - Scot. It is moments like this, where I would like a large fire hose for my front door. This way, I can just blast Scot when he walks in from work in his fancy suit and clean shaved face. 

Finding things to do to help mix up Ground Hog day is always a process. Yes you can read books, garden, bake, go on Facebook for 2 hours, Pinterest for 3 hours and of course upload photo number 600 of your babies adorable face onto instagram. Watch out with baking. It seems like such a fun creative pastime... THAT MAKES YOU A FAT ASS!  You decide to bake brownies... Next thing you know, you are cutting half slices throughout the whole day. By the time your husband gets home, all that's left, is an empty Betty Crocker box in the garbage. Meanwhile you are convincing yourself it doesn't count because they were low fat and you're breast feeding.

I will leave you with this thought ladies... In the life of a mommy, Ground Hog Day doesn't ONLY happen once a year... But unlike the movie... It does have a happy ending!

No matter what... they eventually go the "F" to sleep.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me.

I'm not depressed... I'm "Blue"

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I always considered myself to be a pretty tough cookie. I have never been one for chick flicks and love ferns. I didn't cry but once at my wedding. I don't do "Sweetie" and "Hun" cause people have names... and unless you receive text messages from me once a week or "like" my daily instagram uploads, don't hug me. I'm big on personal space. Hugging and rubbing is for death beds and catholic priests.

I don't know if it's the baby, the hormones, the lack of sleep, or the fact that I spend my days talking to someone that never talks back to me, but I have recently found myself becoming a big softy. I cry over EVERYTHING!!! What is with these commercials during the olympics? All these athletes, and how their moms contributions got them to Olympic Gold!?!? I tear up wondering if little SJ will ever be thanking his mom, for his medals. I don't know what is sadder... the commercials or the fact that my poor son is gonna end up on the mat with gymnasts. We will be lucky if the kid breaks 5'6" on a good day.

I am also having a mental tug of war on going back to work. There is option A) Stay at home with my baby blues and hang out all day with a Teddy Bear that can't form one word, let alone a sentence. Become a professional food source, laundry folder and back yard tanner. Or... Option B) Go back to my job that I loved so much, pay a small fortune for a nanny and spend the next 6 months of my life hooked up to a breast pump. Sounds like I have bad news and bad news. I know a lot of women would die for the option to not have to work. Believe me when I say I am so great full that my husband supports this, but I'm not totally convinced that "stay at home mom" is the dream job I always wanted.

But then... I smell it... The top of his little head in the morning, when I pull him out of his crib... The giggles I get when I raspberry his sticky neck... The first moment he rolls over or finds his new voices and sounds... The way my heart breaks when he is wailing over his first tooth or his second round of shots... And the best feeling of all that never seems to get old no matter how sore my neck and my back are... The feeling of him falling asleep in my arms. The weight of his innocent little world draping over my shoulders.

Sure... I get the baby blues like everybody else. I cry sometimes cause Instagram and facebook are the closest thing I get to a social life. But my little man is the biggest life sacrifice I have ever made. I know when he is all grown up and making the world a better place, the hard times will all be worth it!

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Me