Amazing Asians

Have you ever noticed that Asians are good at absolutely everything? They are like little super humans that advance everything in the world to the next level. People ask me what I miss most about my home town of Vancouver, BC. That's easy... I miss my asians.

I took an economics class in college and one of the first things I learned, was how dependent the rest of the world is on Asia's Economy. They make EVERYTHING! Cars, toys, weapons of mass destruction, cameras and where would we all be without Hello Kitty? Hello Kitty makes everything in life a little more interesting. There is a reason why when you flip something over, it says "Made in China"... cause they are really good at making shit!!!!

Take cars for example. I know everyone is all, "God Bless America", but do I need to compare a Ford and a Honda? Honda's are like Chuck Norris... They never die!!! They don't break down, they go in for "tune-ups". My sister left her 1980 something civic in my parents driveway for over a year with a dead battery and a leaking roof. It sat through rain, sleet and snow with a big blue tarp on it. She takes the dam car to the shop, gets a new battery, gives it a little vacuum, and the thing is motoring around town like a fucking brand new Ferrari!

Asians are the only people that can make a sport like Badminton look extreme. They dominate golf by the age of 14 and there is always an asian on an olympic podium. They have super human strength. My massage therapist is 90lbs soaking wet, and she can throw an elbow into my back like it's Lamar Odom behind me. She always has some ancient chinese pressure point and no one seems to know what the hell is in Tiger Balm, but it cures EVERYTHING! The one tall asian that came out of that continent is a bad ass basketball player and the only reason they don't have a National Football and Hockey League is because concussions make you stupid. Asians value their people and brain cells far to much for such neanderthal behavior.

I am positive my friend Allison was asian in another life. Allison is a white as it gets. But she just loves those asians. When I ask her why she love's them so much, she can never really tell me. Her husband is asian, she drives a Honda, when she graduated college she lived in Japan for a year and I know when she gets up in the morning, the first thing she does is throw up a peace sign. Though Allison is a stunning blue eyed blonde, so it doesn't really apply, you know her kids are going to be gorgeous. Asians are just hot people and they always produce more hot people. An Asian could have sex with a Troll and the baby would come out good looking.

Last but not least, one of my favorite movies of all time. Kill Bill. This movie brought my respect for Asians to a whole new level. You think Lucy Liu is all quiet, composed and coy... then she comes along, and chops your head off with a samurai sword. And the Crazy 88?!?!? I spent months after seeing this movie looking over my shoulder thinking one of those little fuckers was going to get me. Asians aren't just smart, but they are super fast, have great balance and wear little wooden shoes that can take your eyeball out with one flick of a heel!

Though I could go on forever about my little photography loving friends, I shall say Sank U! For you always make my life, a little more happy!

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Sticks, Snails and Puppy Dogs Tails...

When I first started thinking about children, I of course imagined I would have a girl. A little angel! She would be a spitting image of me with strawberry blonde hair and freckles. She would have a fiery little temper and be the funniest chickadee around! Duh!?!? I would teach her about life, love and self worth. We would have tea parties with frilly pink hats and the Queen of England would always make time to stop by. Sigh... It was going to be just peachy.

It never crossed my mind, that I might have a boy?!?!? Boys are smelly and muddy. They throw things and somehow turn everything they get their hands on into a Sword or a Starwars Lightsaver. They have wee wee's that spray at you, and the only bubbles I will be having in my bubble bath, will be from their little boy toots. What do you mean I am having a f'n BOY!?!?!?

EVERYONE thought it was going to be a girl. Especially me! We already had 5 boys in our generation of family babies... It was time for a girl. When the ultra sound technician said "boy" my poor sister-in-law started crying. Excuse me?!?!? Why are you crying? Your not the one he is gonna pee on? As we all love her little boys SOOOO much, the thought of one more dirt digger was just to overwhelming for her. My husband has a photo of my face when the words came out. I look like someone just told me my childhood pet passed away. I decided that I needed to some how spin my attitude, as dressing the little guy up for tea parties, wasn't going over well with my husband.

I was hanging out with my nephew Breadon one afternoon and him and I were chatting about what he is most looking forward to in life. He of course said things like Legoland with his Granny, Riding his bike, College... Wait? What? College? "I want to go to UCLA like Uncle Scot". Oh! FYI my nephew is quite possibly the most brilliant child you will ever meet, and only he would be thinking about college at the tender age of 6. I shared with him that he didn't have to go to school in California. That he could go anywhere he wanted. New York, Texas, Washington... Places with snow, mountains, cities, his options were endless. Then... he said something that completely changed my thoughts on little boys. "But if I go to college far away, it will cost me tons of money to fly home and see my mom everyday after school". My heart melted. Little boys love their mommies this much?

So I start asking around. Apparently the bond between a mom and her son is that of which no father can ever comprehend. Little Boys ALWAYS want their mommies! Little boys eyes light up, just by their mom walking in the room. They always want to snuggle and story time before bed is with mom... not dad. Hmmmm. I kinda like the sounds of this. A little dude that is gonna love me forever? No matter how I look, feel, age?!?! What?!?!

This could be the greatest thing ever....

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Targette

I used to use Target as birth control. If you are ever contemplating getting pregnant, go to Target on a Saturday afternoon. You may decide to snip your husbands balls off and burry them with Jimmy Hoffa.

When I was in my early 20's Target used to be this wonderful place where I got my weekend accessories, fancy nail polish and sassy lipstick shades. A great place for me time. With my work schedule, I always missed the Saturday/Sunday crowds. You go into Target for one thing and you come out with half a paycheck's worth of shit you don't need, but somehow justify buying. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can even score a great pair of rip off Massimo Shoes and sunglasses. Don't hate! The shit's gonna be out of style by the 5th wear anyway?!?!? I used to spend hours of my life wandering around Target's health and beauty section and their bathing suits were always a great buy!

This weekend, in a desperate state to get any last minute things before I go into labor, I went. 

WHY!?!?! People fighting over parking spaces like a final chapter in The Hunger Games. There are screaming children everywhere! There are poor moms and dads, that look as though a morning shower and a little me time was clearly out of the question. Women who I am sure, were once clad in designer clothes and great summer wedges, are now in ball caps, saggy sweat pants and Uggs. lululemon athletica ladies?!? Your bum does not have to look like that! Diapers... Do you know how much these things cost? Diapers cost enough money, to make any hard working parent go sterile!!!! Dreft Baby Detergent could EASILY be a 2002 California Chianti. The bathroom trash, that is full of used diapers, from 100 different babies, smells so bad, I can't even make it 5 minutes to tinkle. My favorite... The 23 year old boys that heard some wives tale about Target being a great place to pick up chicks. Go to Sharkey's you little shits! The yummy mommies are here on business!

I still end up spending a small fortune, but none of it is for me?!?! $200 later I have a few home goods, some deodorant and a trunk full of baby. The bathing suit section makes me contemplate suicide and I doubt my little guy cares wether or not I breast feed with this season's latest chandelier earring. Health and Beauty is wetones, hair ties for the awesome pony I have been rock'n for 6 days, nipple cream, epsom salts for my swollen feet, and my case of diet coke that I used to cherish so dearly... is now Apple Juice to help relieve constipation.

Sigh... I was hot once... I swear.

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Knocked Up.

Visit my new website where I will be permanently posting now!
www.selfmotivatedmomma.com


Have you ever tried to shave your crotch when you can't see it? Good luck with that! I have been trying for 3 months. The reason this has become such an event for me, is because there is a 6 lbs baby in my stomach blocking my view. I have had nightmares about this. I never wanted to be like the women in the 1980's Birthing videos with a big bush. They ruin the birth experience for everyone involved, including the poor child. Imagine coming into the world and the first thing you see, is a fluffy over grown vagina. No person at any age needs to see this. So I made a vow that no matter how pregnant I get... I shall always be trimmed up and ready to go. This is probably a lot of information for a person to handle, but when you get knocked up, you pretty much loose all that is sacred.

Before pregnancy I had a beautiful flat belly and a firm butt that you could rest a coffee cup on comfortably. Now, I don't really know where my back ends and my butt begins. My once pretty lace underwear is stretched out and full of holes and a Saturday night out for me is the ice cream isle at the local super market. Where did I go?!?!? "It's all for the baby!" people tell me. "Just let go and embrace this beautiful time" people tell me. "Don't you just love being pregnant? I would be pregnant all the time if I could"... Are you fucking insane? I know the out come of this awesome little dude, is going to be worth it, but can we be honest here ladies???? Wine is really fucking good.

Months 1-3 make your worst hangover seem like a refreshing day at a spa. You cry, like every day is a funeral, and the supermarket smells so bad, it is like stepping into a rotting butcher shop. Months 4-7 are not bad, but who are all these imbeciles that think they can just come up to you and rub your belly? Excuse me... but we are all educated on personal space at a very young age. How about I rub your face? Would that be appropriate? And don't get me started on the third trimester. Your vagina feels like Derek Jeter just had batting practice on it. Your nose bleeds like you have a coke problem and there is someone inside of you that thinks it's SUPER funny to play the conga on your rib cage.

There was a two week period, where I thought I was going to really miss being pregnant. Idiot. I now have 3 weeks left and I am thinking about getting on my nephews trampoline to see if I jump hard enough, maybe the little guy will just drop out of me.

I can't wait for breast feeding. FML.

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What Happens In Vegas...

My husband and I met in Las Vegas. People either think it's the coolest thing ever, or they get all judgmental on my ass. Its awesome! This is because they ASS-ume that my marriage started with the greatest one night stand in history. Though I personally would take that as a compliment, clearly being the best lay my husband ever had, this is not how it went down.

My friends and I have a nick name that floats around. Party Beast. This is the alter ego that steps in for us when Party Animals are just not pulling their weight. Some animals are to tame and you need the enforcements of a fully fledged BEAST. If you want to learn how to party, just come hang with me and my BFF's up in Canada. We have shooter recipes that can make you loose feeling in your face.

Vegas is one of our favorite places in the world. In my day to day life, I would never call myself vain, but when I am in Vegas, I humble the Kardashians. I spend weeks warming up my feet for the highest of heels, my skirts are more like headbands and the perfect pairing to my morning coffee is fake eyelashes. Wait, that's a lie, thats just my make-up from the night before.

The weekend I met my husband, I had a dance off with a Cirque De Soleil cast member on the roof of Pure Night Club. I was attacked by a group of middle aged, lesbian swingers that gave cookie nipples a whole new meaning. I taught an Asian how to tango in a piano bar, and I have pictures of Elvis Presley doing Shake Face (Shake Face is a whole other blog). It was a wonderful weekend.

On the last night of our annual trip, we end up in our hotel hot tub drinking beer and eating pizza in the pouring rain with a group of guys from El Segundo. This place did not sound interesting to me at all. The last to join our hot tub party... Hot Scot with one "T". My husband was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, but quite possibly one of the cockiest men I had ever met. I was smitten. Effortlessly good looking, with an ego... I had met my match! You could cut the sexual tension between us with a butcher block and knife. But there was something else there... something much deeper. Once we let our ego's go and dropped the one liners, we realized this was it. This was not some random hook up to be had in the pool at Rehab... this was the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Crazy?!?!? Right?!?!? "It was the alcohol" I said... "It was just pheromones" I said... but after watching the sun come up together by the pool and laughing about love, life, family and friendship. I realized... my 5 year relationship in Canada was over... and so was his. How do you tell your current partner, you just came face to face with everything you have been missing in your life? We had to, but had no idea where to begin...

A cup of coffee...

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Mayberry

You have to have lived in El Segundo, to understand the depth of humor found in this small town. NBC could easily produce a reality show about this place and most of all the people in it. Don't get me wrong, there are GREAT people in El Segundo and it truly is the perfect place to raise your family. It just takes an immigrant like myself, to be able to put things in perspective for the natives I love dearly.

There are a few things you need to know about people from El Segundo. People from El Segundo, don't like to leave El Segundo for anything. They don't like to pay more than $3.00 for a Coors Light. Chevron Vouchers are a status symbol. You could start a very large college fund with all of the money that El Segundo locals loose in street sweeping tickets and Varsity Baseball is a RELIGION. By religion, I mean high school baseball players make the strictest muslims in the Taliban look forgiving. The police in El Segundo are so nice, they will often drive you home from the bar after a night of drinking and its the only place in the world left, where you can leave your bloody door unlocked.

My favorite thing about El Segundo is how the men all import their women. It's not because there isn't awesome girls here, but chances are if you grew up in El Segundo, you or someone you know has either dated or slept with them. This doesn't leave anyone many options. There are enough El Segundo imports to start a beer garden. We could easily name the next Rock'n Brew Tap list after all of us. Leffe Browns, IPA's, Blondes, Pale Ale's and completely Unfiltered! Clearly... I am one. We are from all over! Philly, Ohio, Canada, San Diego, Seattle, Georgia... you get the picture. The reason why we all end up HERE, is because men from El Segundo suffer from separation anxiety. I have seen 3 year olds have an easier time giving up their baby blankets, then guys giving up Gundo.

As I said there are some pretty amazing women from this town. A few of my closest friends grew up here. Just like other South Bay locals, they like their rainbows, their beer, their bars and their breakfast joints. If you want to fit in, don't you DARE go to Good Stuff. Wendy's Place Cafe is where you will find these homegirls, and if you ever talk shit on Jose and his omelette, they will probably chop your balls off. It usually takes them a little while to warm up to you. But this is only because most of the guys they hang with, have brought around 10-15 deficient dumb blondes before you with a IQ of about 70. It's really not their fault.

My husband and I have recently moved to Del Aire. This little neighborhood is about 5 minutes from the border of El Segundo.... A WHOLE other posting!

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Life As I Knew It...

I have pretty much heard every joke there is about Canada and being Canadian. I have been told we are America's top hat. I have been asked if maple syrup is our biggest export. I have been asked how many states we have and if flannel is our national fabric. I love when people ask me what it was like to live in a "Socialist" Government and my ultimate favorite is when Americans laugh at the word Toque. It's a Toque not a fuck'n Beanie and yes, we created them. Since you all think it snows 365 days a year, would it not make sense?

I moved to California almost 4 years ago from Vancouver BC. Woops! My husband was born and raised in the South Bay of Los Angeles and we own and operate a little mexican restaurant, in the VERY small town of El Segundo. People ask me all the time if my husband is mexican. He is not. He is as white as it gets and so am I. This always leads to... How is it you own a mexican restaurant? Duh?!?! We paid Coyotes for some hired help from Arizona. Joke. We got lucky and found some awesome mexican chefs that fortunately like us enough to cook for us. They are like family and our little mom and pop shop, would be nothing without them.

Life as I knew it? Which part? Los Angeles is like it's own universe... The South Bay is like it's own black hole... and El Segundo makes the show Picket Fences look like a Michael Bay Action Feature. My whole life changed when I moved to California and now I am a married, pregnant, house wife/business owner. Life as I knew it, is def OVER!

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Kimberley Nicol