The Uprising of Christ

So my mother in-law has begged me to stop swearing so much in my blog posts. Bless her Catholic little heart, this may be the most offensive thing I could write. But don't worry mom! No F Bombs in this one, I promise. She can't understand how I can speak of my unborn child using profanity. I think she just forgets what it's like to be pregnant. Love You!!

My baby is due on Easter Sunday. The day Jesus rose from the dead, to forgive us for all of our sins. I am not really religious, so it didn't even occur to me how much cool factor this could add to my child. In all my selfish discomfort, I never realized that Scot Jr has been holding out on us for a grand entrance! The uprising of Christ?!?! How fitting little man! You are so smart! How cool would it be for JC and SJ to have something like this in common?

Passover starts today so this could mean big news for my friend Rachel. If he is born some time in the next week he will be just like the biblical children of Isreal. It also celebrates the passage of freedom for all people. This is great news for my vagina Roderman! It will finally be free. I do love your Cookie Dough Cupcakes that you made last Passover, and Jerry's Deli Matzah Ball Soup?!?!! I haven't had either during my pregnancy so maybe its a sign I need to waddle my butt down there in honor of Paschal.

Wether you are Jewish, Catholic, Christian or a Buddhist Monk like me, Namaste! If he comes today, tomorrow, Sunday or next week, this little dude is coming with a purpose! I hope he too will forgive me for all of my sins, just like Baby Jesus. I am sure my mother in-law will give me a whole rosary after this post. Don't worry mom, your son already asked for SJ's baptism, I am happy to welcome him into the Church of Scientology.

Happy Easter!

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Facing The Music

My husband and I have always wanted to write our story. How we met, fell in love, and started our lives was well... kinda hard to believe. My brother in-law said it best at our wedding, "Nobody meets their dream girl in Vegas". Vegas is for getting hopped up and making bad decisions, not for important life choices that can turn your world upside down.

I was on the plane home and my best friend says to me, "you can't stop thinking about him can you?". No... I was a hot mess. I was coming down off a three day bender with no shower, no sleep, no mini bar and no god dam movie in flight. He was ALL I could think about. I had the best conversation of my life, with the most incredible guy I had ever met and as far as I knew, what happened in Vegas was staying there.

I opened my email when I got home. "Best conversation I have ever had." - Scot

Crap. I knew what this meant and I was absolutely terrified. It was a grossly complicated situation and the last thing we ever wanted, was to hurt anyone involved. It was just a conversation in Vegas, but neither of us could let it go. It was time to respectably end our relationships before it went any further. It was the hardest thing I have ever done till this day. It would have been so easy to stay, but it was for the best and I know that now. Our relationships had both been over for some time. But neither parties wanted to self reflect and face this. So many people live in routine and comfort, instead of asking themselves, "Am I truly happy?". Our friends and family thought we were high on glue! Maybe we were, but we took a few weeks, did what we had to do and supported each other through the process of ending both of our relationships. We decided to give it some time and meet for a cup of coffee 1 month from the day we met. It was the biggest leap of faith either of us had ever taken... Blind leading the Blind.

We referred to it as the "meat cleaver". It was like knives in my stomach every time he would text, call or write. It was the most vulnerable state I had ever been in. This guy could bail at any moment and I was so scared that my fate of happiness was in someone else's hands for the first time ever. I had always made safe, smart and secure life choices. I had heard the phrase "better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all". Until my husband, I never understood this. I still look at his little face and am great full for every minute that I get to love him.

What if he changed his mind? What if he was to scared to leave her? What if he wasn't who he claimed to be? What if that awesome conversation we had about our dreams, goals and life aspirations was just a scheme to get me in the sack? Sh*t he could be a serial killer for all I knew! It was Vegas!?!?!? Was I insane!?!?!? How could I end a 5 year relationship for some dude I met in Sin City? I couldn't explain it to anyone and frankly for the first time in my life, I didn't care what anyone was thinking. I HAD to see him again.

What better place to meet for a cup of coffee then the birth place of Starbucks?

Seattle.

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40 Weeks

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If a woman murdered someone in her last week of pregnancy, she could totally plea insanity. No jury would ever convict her. That would just be mean. I am almost 40 weeks and you could commit me, no problem. I am ready to kill someone and my goal of a natural labor is sounding less and less interesting.

The last week of pregnancy is like solitary confinement. You don't want to be around anybody. You don't want to put on clothes, but, you don't want to be naked either. The T-Shirt I have on right now says "Beefy" on the tag. It's not even a Hanes "XL" it's a Hanes "Beefy" T-XXL. The largest T-Shirt size that Hanes makes. My in-laws stopped by last night to say hi, and I didn't even have it in me to put on some pants. Just my "Beefy" T and a Blanket. I actually had an out loud conversation with myself over the weekend... "Kim, put down the bag of Cheetos... No... I want them. Kim, PUT DOWN the bag of Cheetos!!!" Fuck. Fine.

I have been really healthy throughout my whole pregnancy. Up until two weeks ago, I walked, jogged, did yoga, bar-method and even wore high heels to a few parties. I figured this kind of lifestyle would help promote a smooth labor and maybe even help him come a little early. No such luck! My Doula (AKA My Angel) gave me a list of things to try, to help induce labor. It has the usual things that people tell you to try. Pineapple, Tea's, Squats, Sex and Spicy Food. I have tried it all. There of course is swinging on a play ground, nipple stimulation and my favorite.... Swallowing Semen!?!? I am just trying to imagine myself down at Rec Park... on the swings... breast pump attached... giving my husband a blow job. I am sure this would go over real well with all the kids getting out of pre-school.  Who comes up with this shit?!? It had to be a dude! Only a man would come up with "swallowing semen" as a way to induce labor. So not only do we have to carry the kid for 9 months, but we have to give more blow jobs now as well? 

This day in age you don't need to do much research on labor, delivery and pregnancy. This is because EVERY woman feels it to be her dying right to share her story with you, wether you ask her, or not. "You HAVE to get an epidural"... "You HAVE to do it natural"... "You HAVE to get a C-Section"... "Just get induced!!"... I have heard EVERY birth story you can imagine. I don't tell you what to do with your vagina, so unless I ask you, how about you back off of mine. Every pregnancy, birth and baby is different. Just cause you read every book on babies, doesn't make your vagina or your baby the "Happiest On The Block" biotch.

And if one more person tells me to go for a walk....

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