40 Weeks

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If a woman murdered someone in her last week of pregnancy, she could totally plea insanity. No jury would ever convict her. That would just be mean. I am almost 40 weeks and you could commit me, no problem. I am ready to kill someone and my goal of a natural labor is sounding less and less interesting.

The last week of pregnancy is like solitary confinement. You don't want to be around anybody. You don't want to put on clothes, but, you don't want to be naked either. The T-Shirt I have on right now says "Beefy" on the tag. It's not even a Hanes "XL" it's a Hanes "Beefy" T-XXL. The largest T-Shirt size that Hanes makes. My in-laws stopped by last night to say hi, and I didn't even have it in me to put on some pants. Just my "Beefy" T and a Blanket. I actually had an out loud conversation with myself over the weekend... "Kim, put down the bag of Cheetos... No... I want them. Kim, PUT DOWN the bag of Cheetos!!!" Fuck. Fine.

I have been really healthy throughout my whole pregnancy. Up until two weeks ago, I walked, jogged, did yoga, bar-method and even wore high heels to a few parties. I figured this kind of lifestyle would help promote a smooth labor and maybe even help him come a little early. No such luck! My Doula (AKA My Angel) gave me a list of things to try, to help induce labor. It has the usual things that people tell you to try. Pineapple, Tea's, Squats, Sex and Spicy Food. I have tried it all. There of course is swinging on a play ground, nipple stimulation and my favorite.... Swallowing Semen!?!? I am just trying to imagine myself down at Rec Park... on the swings... breast pump attached... giving my husband a blow job. I am sure this would go over real well with all the kids getting out of pre-school.  Who comes up with this shit?!? It had to be a dude! Only a man would come up with "swallowing semen" as a way to induce labor. So not only do we have to carry the kid for 9 months, but we have to give more blow jobs now as well? 

This day in age you don't need to do much research on labor, delivery and pregnancy. This is because EVERY woman feels it to be her dying right to share her story with you, wether you ask her, or not. "You HAVE to get an epidural"... "You HAVE to do it natural"... "You HAVE to get a C-Section"... "Just get induced!!"... I have heard EVERY birth story you can imagine. I don't tell you what to do with your vagina, so unless I ask you, how about you back off of mine. Every pregnancy, birth and baby is different. Just cause you read every book on babies, doesn't make your vagina or your baby the "Happiest On The Block" biotch.

And if one more person tells me to go for a walk....

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