The Flat and Flabulous

Yes... I too have lost my ba-dunk-a-dunk. I have heard so many new moms talk about the post baby flat butt. I was SURE this could never happen to me!!! There is a reason why black women love me and now... I'm just another boring white girl who lost her booty.

Post baby body is like a home renovation gone way wrong. I have heard about muffin top and jelly belly. I always had a pretty tight little tummy. Now.... Santa Clause and I have some serious shit in common and I know why the man only comes around once a year. And what is with these boobs!?!? I loved my perky little boobs! Now I have these big sloppy milk sacks that just get in the way when I fold laundry. When it's all over, I bet all I will be left with is empty sacks and cookie nipples.... Milk and Cookies... Awesome.

People tell me all the time I look fantastic for just having a baby. Well of course I do!!! I'm wearing clothes!!!
In hope of motivating myself a little, I decided to take a photo of myself in my bathing suit... Outside... In direct sunlight... Front AND back. This is my own personal form of cutting. The cruelest thing I could possibly do to myself.

I got a series of work out videos for at home, so I can work out in privacy with my Flat and Flabulous little bod. I set little man up with his entertainer, while I set myself up with a trainer! Except my baby spends more time watching me then he does his little noise makers. I don't like it. He looks at me with judgy little baby eyes, and I KNOW he is wondering why his mommy doesn't look like the glistening biotch in the video. Listen kid... Your mom was smok'n hot before you came along, and your not really one to be judging with that pudgy tummy of yours. The only reason mommy works out with you is because you are the only person she knows with more rolls than she has.

I have no idea how much I weigh right now because we have a scale free home. Those machines have the devil inside them. They can make or break an entire day, so we don't ever weigh ourselves. I wanted to go buy one but my husband put his foot down. "You are beautiful!" he says "and you don't need a scale to tell you that!"... Um... Yes... Yes I do... Pleeeeeease!!!

No.

Fine. But he can't stop me from driving to Target tomorrow and hoping on one there!!!

Next... Jeans.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read

Me

The Booty Call

Don't pretend like you have never had one. We all know at some random, relatively low point in all of our lives, we have had THAT person.

It is always the 1-2am call or text. Or in some cases of desperation, you just show up to their home in a drunken stooper. You are POSITIVE that this person wants to see you post Denny's at 3am.

Oh! Were you sleeping!?!? Weird! Well... Since I'm here... Wanna have sex?

Booty Calls are like dessert. It is this brilliant idea in the moment. Instant gratification! And then like getting on the scale, the guilt kicks in when your Monday morning is impacted by the number you see. But instead it is on your cell phone under... Dialed Numbers... 14 Times... Shit. Under their phone it of course says, 14 MISSED (AKA Ignored) Calls. Then we ask our best friends how they could let this happen!?!? Like it's THEIR responsibility to take your phone away. Then they tell you they tried, but you went to the bathroom at the bar and proceeded to call from the hadi-cap stall.... 14 TIMES... Fuck.

These people are always the perfect representation as to what is happening in life. We call on people for Booty Calls to fill whatever voids we have in the moment. They are often Narcissistic, Vain, Unintelligent, Douche-y and incredibly sexy all at the same time. Where do you find a Booty Call you may ask? Bars, Old Boyfriends, Old Friends, Bartenders, Bouncers and my personal favorite... Public Transportation. This is when you are in the darkest of dark places.

Why is it so f'n difficult to get these people out of your life? Booty Calls are like skin cancer. You keep going in the sun knowing that it's bad for you and then you need a plastic surgeon to get this horrible growth off your back. A friend of mine, that shall remain nameless, could not stop the booty call. She tried EVERYTHING. She erased his number, deleted him off Facebook, told him to never call her again and yet found herself still calling HIM every other Saturday night after a Roxy Burger and fries. She actually called the phone company and asked if there was a way they could block her from calling his number. "So you want to block your own calls to this person????"... "Yes". "So what your saying is, that you have no will power????"... "Yes". "So can you do it?".

FYI you can't, and for the record, my friend was not the first person to call a phone company with this kind of request. Clearly there are many people in the world that just can't stop the Booty Call.

To all my peeps out there that have found themselves doing the walk of shame at 11am... Heels in hand heading toward an Eggs Benedict... Just remember you are not alone! Hold your head high! Today is a new day! And there are plenty of narcissistic douche bags to go around! You can't hate them... They serve their meaningless purpose!

Amen.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read.

Captivity

I am being held captive in my own home. How is this possible?

It's like babies have a sick sense of when you are desperate to just get shit done. We will have a great couple of days. Good sleeping, playtime, jogs, errands and BOOM! I am strong armed by an infant. You think your gonna put me down in this bouncer? Think again mommy! I am gonna make you hold me ALL day long! That 5 minute shower you are taking... I am gonna make it extra relaxing and scream the whole time you are in there. And don't you even THINK about moisturizer mommy! That shit is for fancy ladies that wear make-up and blow dry their hair too. I decided as your baby, you don't need it.

Why do we even have nursery's? My baby will sleep anywhere but his crib! Sure we try napping in it, but over night? HA! That comfy chest of mine is a much better idea. Your boobs don't just get bigger to feed. They are pillows for our babies newborn little heads to rest on as well. It will be like a sleepover every night mommy and we can watch daddy sleep soundly next to us cause somehow, some way... He never wakes the F up!!!!! How!?!?! How do men sleep through this!?!?!?

The bassinet is 5cm from the edge of my bed. But for some reason 5cm is just to much distance for my baby to handle. And how do they always sleep with one eye open?!?!? It's like they are looking, watching, waiting.... We tip toe around them trying not to make a peep and then... There goes the other eyeball. The little shit is awake. Sleep training?!??? LMAO! Baby Wise wants me to wake my new born up every two hours?!?!? What mental person wakes a sleeping baby? How about I take five minutes and eat sitting down instead a-holes! I want to meet these women that claim their babies sleep through the night. Then I want to know where they live, so I can leave a flaming hot pile of dog poo on their front door step. (Mary if you are reading this... I love you).

People wonder how I have time to blog. I have an IPhone in my hand, a rocking chair and a baby that doesn't want to sleep anywhere but on my boob.

I have all the time in the world.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read

The Hermit

Baby - No Shame No Gain

Now I lay me down to weep. I pray to you Lord, let this newborn go the F to sleep. If I should die before I wake, tell my husband the sex we ONCE had, was super great. Bless this child Lord, for there are times I am SURE he is possessed. It is barley in me some days, to pull it together, and just get dressed.

My child is 1 month old today. I thought I was totally prepared for this... My baby should have a onsie that says "I'm with stupid". No book, no advice, no doctor or nurse can prepare you for the one, the only, the newborn.

I had a goal of making it 6 hours without an epidural in hope that I would have a nice short labor and he would be out fast. IDIOT!!!! 12 hours later followed by an emergency C section... This natural labor stuff never happened. My baby had the cord wrapped around his neck and my anesthesiologist was reading BLENDER Magazine in the OR. "Hey Bro, I know you see this shit everyday, but do u mind reading up on Marissa Miller when my intestines aren't 3 feet away from your face? Thanks Dick!"

When we left the hospital the nurses told me one very important thing... When he latches, DON'T pull him away from your boob. My little guy came out like a shark. He feeds like a Great White who just stumbled upon a lonley sea lion with one arm missing.

Like most women that have a C Section, I had not gone to the bathroom in almost 5 days. The day before we came home from the hospital they pumped me full of laxatives and sent me on my way. The next morning I had a cup of coffee to add a little extra kick. The little guy was hungry so I started his feeding, thinking I had some time. It hit my like a ton of bricks. It was like the scene from the movie Bridesmaids at the wedding boutique. NOTHING was to stop this from happening.

But the nurses told me under no circumstances to unlatch?!?!? I was panicking. I had to take him with me. But I couldn't do this alone?!?!??? "Scot!!!!!!! I need your help!!!". "The nurses told me not to let him unlatch!"
I had to take my baby and my husband in the bathroom with me to unleash 5 days worth of bowel movements.

It was a sight. My husband holding my little baby up to feed and courtesy flushing for me at the same time. "This poor kid has been on the planet for 5 days, and one of the first things he has to smell is your shit?!?!?" Scot says, as he is shaking his head in disbelief. This is as bad as it gets right? For better or worse?

Well he never unlatched and he still feeds like a wild animal.

Next on my list of discussions....

Projectile Baby Poop.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read

Me