Baby - No Shame No Gain

Now I lay me down to weep. I pray to you Lord, let this newborn go the F to sleep. If I should die before I wake, tell my husband the sex we ONCE had, was super great. Bless this child Lord, for there are times I am SURE he is possessed. It is barley in me some days, to pull it together, and just get dressed.

My child is 1 month old today. I thought I was totally prepared for this... My baby should have a onsie that says "I'm with stupid". No book, no advice, no doctor or nurse can prepare you for the one, the only, the newborn.

I had a goal of making it 6 hours without an epidural in hope that I would have a nice short labor and he would be out fast. IDIOT!!!! 12 hours later followed by an emergency C section... This natural labor stuff never happened. My baby had the cord wrapped around his neck and my anesthesiologist was reading BLENDER Magazine in the OR. "Hey Bro, I know you see this shit everyday, but do u mind reading up on Marissa Miller when my intestines aren't 3 feet away from your face? Thanks Dick!"

When we left the hospital the nurses told me one very important thing... When he latches, DON'T pull him away from your boob. My little guy came out like a shark. He feeds like a Great White who just stumbled upon a lonley sea lion with one arm missing.

Like most women that have a C Section, I had not gone to the bathroom in almost 5 days. The day before we came home from the hospital they pumped me full of laxatives and sent me on my way. The next morning I had a cup of coffee to add a little extra kick. The little guy was hungry so I started his feeding, thinking I had some time. It hit my like a ton of bricks. It was like the scene from the movie Bridesmaids at the wedding boutique. NOTHING was to stop this from happening.

But the nurses told me under no circumstances to unlatch?!?!? I was panicking. I had to take him with me. But I couldn't do this alone?!?!??? "Scot!!!!!!! I need your help!!!". "The nurses told me not to let him unlatch!"
I had to take my baby and my husband in the bathroom with me to unleash 5 days worth of bowel movements.

It was a sight. My husband holding my little baby up to feed and courtesy flushing for me at the same time. "This poor kid has been on the planet for 5 days, and one of the first things he has to smell is your shit?!?!?" Scot says, as he is shaking his head in disbelief. This is as bad as it gets right? For better or worse?

Well he never unlatched and he still feeds like a wild animal.

Next on my list of discussions....

Projectile Baby Poop.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Read

Me